Adult in Training

Some snow days are “lazy-fat” days, and some aren’t.  The first couple snow days of the year, they’re exciting! It’s brilliant, because it feels like for the first time in forever, you don’t have to do anything that day.  So you sit around all day, being lazy and fat.  You sleep in, you watch TV and movies all day long, and eat whatever you want.  Because snow days don’t come about every day. 

Unless you live in New Hampshire.  It’s February, and we just had our third snow day.  And it has lost it’s gleam.  I didn’t even have three snow days in four years of high school.

Today Avalanche slept in, so we got up at about 9:00, pooped around, went upstairs and was about to turn on the TV when I heard what sounded like people outside.  So I look out the window, and what to my wondering eyes should appear, but two of my roommates, trying to make it up the large sheet of slick ice, masquerading as our driveway.  It turns out that while Katie had a snow day, she was trying to drop Berman off at work, but couldn’t even leave our driveway.  Because, that would be silly.  So they made the precarious walk back to our house.  But Lazy-Fat Day did not ensue.

Instead, it was Cleaning-Homework day! YAY!  It’s almost like a party.  But different.  Want to know what I did today?

• Hid in my room, while Berman initiated the cleaning
• Showered
• Clapped when Katie made it back up the driveway finally
• Cleaned the coffee table (note: do not ever buy a glass coffee table)
• Vacuumed the top half of the stairs
• Stopped to clean all of the dog hair out of the vaccuum (which took like fifteen minutes and required that I wear my snow-boarding goggles for eye safety)
• Vacuumed my room
• Ate
• Decided to do some homework
• Two hours later I still hadn’t started, because I couldn’t find anything that I needed to actually write the paper
• Forsook ANTM for a little concentration (since a little is all I really have) and actually got down to writing the paper
• Ate
• Read a little bit
• Watched the season finale of Prison Break

And so, at the end of Cleaning-Homework day, I am extremely disappointed.  And not because I didn’t get to be lazy and fat (because I can do that any day, if I am honest), I was actually sort of excited to be able to vacuum my floor, because up until about two days ago you could barely see it for all the clothes I had strewn about.  But I am disappointed because of Prison Break!

I loved that show.  I started watching it because, who’s kidding who, Wentworth Miller – aka Michael Scoffield – is smoking hot!  And I kept watching it because it was thrilling – and because of the developing romance between Michael and Sarah.  And now, all it gives me is a stomach ache from the stress I get from watching it.  I would be lying if I said that I was not disillusioned since they decided to kill Sarah.  So I watched the season finale, because I have this weird compulsion to finish things (thus the reason I have seen so many awful movies).  But I think I will now eshew it with a firm hand.  Because Sarah has been killed, and while there is still some intrigue left, it has gone the way of the Snow Day (aka, the gleam is gone).   So, all in all, I’m just about ready to go into work tomorrow, and begin my brand new project: Senior Day Programs.  Because I’m Renee’s favourite.

On MTV they have a show called “Made”.  For my Canadian readers who may not know, the point of the show is: people write in and are like “Blah blah blah I need skills for this or that reason.”  and then MTV hires someone with those skills – whatever they may be – to teach the skills to the unfortunate person, and then the unfortunate person isn’t so unfortunate. I love this show, because it fills my “Laughing at Unfortunate People” quota.  Because, if we are honest, at least one of the criteria for choosing the unfortunate people has to be the amount of laughs the learning process will generate. But secretly, I’ve always wanted to be Made.

I know the first thing I have going against me is the fact that I’m no longer in high school. And that technically I should be done College.  So there’s that.  And I have a really supportive family, so they probably wouldn’t laugh in my face when I told them I was being Made.  So there’s that.  But my ace in the hole: being The Most Uncoordinated Person Ever!  I think that would make for some good laughs.  Not to blow my own horn, but I think I bring a fair amount of comedy value to the table.  Now all I have to do is pick something to be Made into.

So far, I have these things:

• A dope dancer (but it will be hard because I have no rhythm)
• A magician (hard though, since magicians don’t give away their secrets)
• A snowboarder (but I’m sort of taking care of that myself)
• A girl with a job (this might be a boring episode)
• A dog whisperer (beneficial, since Avi is the devil’s spawn)
• A skateboarder (like snowboarding, but more dangerous for me)
• A bagpipe player (no one believes me, but I love the bagpipes)

A pretty good list if you ask me.  However, I think you have to be, like, under 20 to go on the show.  So there’s that I suppose.  Stupid rules.  Age descimination!  Just like “Fear Factor” descriminates against Canadians.  I almost had Momma Gonzo adopt me so that Berman and I could dominate on “Best Friends Fear Factor”.  We even practiced eating disgusting things.  And anything becomes easier when there’s $50 000 on the line.  And sophomore year, I showered with an African Cave-Dwelling Spider, ask Gonzo or Berman.  Scary.  And not by choice I might add.

So the roommates and I are watching “Jon and Kate + Eight” right now, and they’re at Disney World I think.  And so we got to talking about all the fun things we’ve done at amusement parks.  And when I say we, I mean mostly me because Berman can’t ride rides (on account of her heart condition) and Katie is feeling sick today, so anything more than a whispered syllable would be asking a lot.  I love rides!  They are some of my favourite things to do.  To hell with all those other things you can do at amusements parks and carnivals. I came to ride the rides, and I will do that until I can’t walk anymore.

Here are some of my fondest (and funniest) memories of rides.  Glorious rides.

• The time when the family went to Center Island for The Fireman’s Picnic and the parents made me ride the “Swan Ride” by myself (well, with Aiden, but he didn’t count, as he couldn’t steer either) and I was so bad at driving the swan I crashed into the pond-floaty-thing, and at the end of our turn, the workers had to get in a little row boat and tow Aiden and I back in.  Embarrassing. And needless to say: the last time I ever rode The Swans.
• Riding the Disco Scrambler at Center Island with my mom when we went with Brownies.
• When we went to The Ex with the Warners, and rode on that weird Circular Roller Coaster (if you picture it in your mind, you’ll know what I’m talking about) and Ashley, Michelle, Aiden and I all wanted to ride in the same car, and we ended up have to stop the ride, because we were a hot second from crushing Ashley’s ribs from the centrifugal force.
• That same trip, when we rode The Kamikaze (two cars that face each other, and then spin around in a vertical circle.  Sounds lame, but is awesome) what, like 11 times in a row.  We were practically best friends with the carny by the time we decided to call it quits (because Michelle’s harness came undone and she almost fell out.  Party-pooper)
• When Brianne and Uncle Brian took me to Wonderland, and I nearly made Brianne pee her pants when I took her on The Wild Beast.
• When Michelle and Ashley and Michelle’s friend Elizabeth and I went to Cedar Point in Ohio, and rode the best rides ever! Including The Millennium and Dragster.  Both times I thought I was going to die.  The Millennium has the highest hill, and it feels like you are going to fall off the Earth.  And Dragster goes from 0 to 60 MPH in like 2.5 seconds (or less, I can’t remember) and then you go straight up.  I was actually praying when I was boarding Dragster, because I thought I might die of a heart attack.
• The time I went to Wonderland with Daddy, Aiden, Roger, Michelle and Ashley and we embarrassed Roger by ogling (and counting) all the hot guys we saw.  Even though we thought we were being discreet by calling them “candy”
• The time I went to Wonderland for Grad Night (aka the Wettest Night of My Life) and it poured the entire time, and I only rode like three rides.  And our bus driver got lost in the parking lot, and then didn’t even show up when he was supposed to pick us up, so we had to combine two buses into one.  It was comfy.
• The time we went to The Ex with Ashley and Michelle’s cousin… who had two names, and that’s all I can remember.  That, and the fact that she threw up on The Octopus (aka the Best Ride EVER)
• The time I went to Disney World with my family, and to get me there, they told me that we were going to airport to drop something off for my grandma, but Dad had talked the airline people into giving Aiden and me a tour of the plane (okay, so not technically a memory of a ride, but still one of my best memories)
• And we ate breakfast with Mickey Mouse
• And rode Space Mountain, and 20 000 Leagues Under The Sea and The Teacups (and we didn’t know you were supposed to spin the table, so it started out really lame) and Mom and Dad tried to get me tickets to see The Mickey Mouse Club, but I was too young.
• The time I went to Disney World with my softball team, and I took a pitch to the shin, and it swelled up like a balloon, and so for the whole week, whenever we went to a park, I had to be in a wheel chair (but I got to move to the front of the line, and Chip ‘n’ Dale took a special liking to me – probably because they thought I was special).

Those are all the good times I can think of right now.  Keep in mind that I have possibly the worst memory of all time. So the fact that I remember any of this is sort of a surprise to me.  I will say this: I remember that damn swan because it scarred me more than the time I was attacked by a Canadian Goose while trying to feed real swans.  I try to support all things Canadian (especially the mighty Beaver and Moose) but I cannot support Geese.  They are vicious, and they poop a lot.  And it’s not like regular bird poop, it’s like tiny dog poop.  And it is not a pleasure to step in while you are running after a fly ball in the outfield.  Take it from me.

But anyways, the point is that I LOVE rides.  I wish that could be my job.  I could be a stunt driver/pilot/amusement park ride tester.  Let me know if you hear about any openings.

Things That Make Me the Lamest Person I know

• Some days, the only thing I have to look forward to is dinner
• I just worked for four hours, and I’m 93% sure my work computer is now frozen
• Some days I speak more to Avalanche than some of my roommates
• I still have to wear my sunglasses inside
• Some days I don’t get dressed until 3:30… because I don’t have to leave the house until then.
• I measure job satisfaction by whether or not I can sing out loud with my head phones on.

And I’m supposed to be one step closer to adulthood?

When I’m In New Hampshire

• Swiss Chalet
• Pizza Pizza
• Tim Horton’s (eat much?)
• Real beer
• People with a sense of humour
• Cultural diversity
• Free health care
• Canadian television (and no, I don’t mean you, “Road to Avonlea”)
• Being able to get the score from the last Leafs’ game, without having to watch 23 minutes of stupid, stupid football/baseball
• People with manners
• Paved roads

When I’m At Home

• All day marathons of America’s Next Top Model
• American programming (and no, I don’t mean you “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader” – I should fucking hope so, dumbass!)
• Burning all our cardboard in the fire pit in the backyard, because New Hampshire doesn’t recycle
• Driving past the house on my street modelled in early “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in the middle of the night, waiting for Leatherface to jump in front on my car (!)
• Sandwiches from Pop’s