Adult in Training

Dear Queen Latifah,

What are you doing, being best friends with Jenny Craig?!

Things were all well and good when Kirstie Alley wanted to lose some weight, since it looked like she had rather unfortunately swallowed a pony.  And while some people can carry their weight well, Kirstie just looked angry all the time, at least while she was being hounded by mean paparazzi.  And she wanted to get back to a happier weight.  I assume the same of Valerie Bertinelli.  Though I have no idea who she is.

But Queen Latifah, you have so much more to offer!  You are a strong woman, and a good role model!  You are funny, and you know yourself, and you were on ANTM, which gives you that little something extra in my opinion.  And now you are becoming a spokesperson for Jenny!  What if you end up like Star Jones?  Have you ever thought of that?

What if you lose all this weight (which, in my opinion you totally don’t need to do) and then instead of looking even more beautiful, you look odd?  What will you do then?  Then you will be famous like the people who get bad face lifts.  Like Meg Ryan or, dare I say it, Joan Rivers.  No one wants to be famous for that.

And what about the message that you are sending young girls?  There are very few good role models for young girls these days.  Why do you think there is such a prevalence in eating disorders these days?  Because the women we are told to look up to weight about three pounds, and haven’t eaten a hamburger in at least a decade.  And now you, one of the only women who has boldly bucked this trend, and still be beautiful, have chosen to succumb to societal pressures and lose weight.

I sincerely hope that you are only doing this to have a more healthy lifestyle.  But there is certainly a difference between shedding a few for your heart’s health, and shedding so many you look emaciated.  Please remember that.

Sincerely,

One of Your Hamburger-Eating (metaphorically speaking, since I don’t really enjoy hamburgers) Fans

Dear Owner of the Black and Tan Small Horse Masquerading as a Dog,

I’m so sorry that my dog came to harass you this morning.  I’m still not sure how she managed to get off her lead.  Again.  I couldn’t understand before why she always wanted to investigate your house.  But, after seeing that you have a small farm in your backyard, it makes sense.  Again, I’m sorry if Avalanche bothered any of your animals, especially the pony, and whatever it was that stayed inside the small barn.  Thank you for being so understanding, and not just letting your crazy dogs kick the shit out of my retarded one.

Sincerely,

Avalanche’s Not So Irresponsible Owner (No Matter How it May Seem)

I don’t know how she does it.  Avalanche clearly knows magic.  It’s a little creepy actually.  We have her on a carabeaner now. One made for humans, its pretty diesel.  And she still manages to escape. 

Today Avi got loose at like 8:45.  Right in the middle of Saved by the Bell.  So I rush out after her, wearing my pyjamas – and no, that does not include a bra, or socks for that matter.  Where was the first place she headed?  The Crazy Dog House.  Because, why wouldn’t she?  And then, after a lot of barking, and yipping, Avi comes booking it down the driveway, right in front of a car driven by… none other than Crazy Subaru Bitch! Of course.  God hates me.

So then I chased Avi down the other end of the road, saw her come running back towards me, missed her harness by inches as she ran past, and then followed her back up the road.  When I got to the Crazy Dog House, I hear: “Did you lose a dog?”  Did you find her mauled to death in your backyard?

“Yes….”

“She’s over here.  I saw her harness, figured she belonged to someone. She’s been bothering my animals.  But lucky for her my dogs aren’t outside.”

“Sorry she’s been bothering you, I’ll try to get her.”  The Small Horse’s owner is actually really, really nice.   It sort of makes the fact that she has a small farm in her backyard less alarming.  I’m not kidding.  There’s a tiny barn, and a fenced-in area.   After crawling through a small doorway under the porch (where I nearly slipped on the ice and died) I came face to face with…. a pony!  A very hairy pony.  Why not just clear some more land and buy a horse?  Or, do something fun and buy an alpaca or something.  Usually you grow out of wanting to buy a pony. 

Anyways, after trying to lure Avalanche (also known as the Worst Behaved Dog EVER) back for 45 minutes, I called it a day and figured she would return home at her leisure.  Provided she wasn’t hit by a car as she ran willy-nilly through the street.  And she did.   After another 45 minutes.  But as soon as I opened the door, she took off again.  I saw her walking around the back forest twice more before the wife of the Nice Guy in the first house, who is equally nice as her husband, knocked on the door and was like “Has your dog come back?”

“Yeah, for about a second.  She just took off again.”  And who should appear around the corner of the house but Shit Brick herself.  After luring her into the house with the promise of a treat, I put her in her cage for an hour and half.  Half the time she spent out on a joy-run.  Fair’s fair.

Needless to say, I was a little late to work.

Dear L.L. Bean,

If you were still alive, I would marry you.  Your products are one of the only material things that I will miss when I move back home.  Last year I bought one of your winter jackets.  Not only is it esthetically pleasing, it is also possibly the warmest jacket I’ve ever owned.

As I write, New Hampshire is in the middle of a winter storm.  I would say “snow storm,” but that would be an exaggeration, because right now its like the world is blanketed in white sugar.  So, for only the third time this winter, I busted out my trusty jacket, zipped on the hood and headed out to brave the weather.  By the time I got to work, I was so warm that I had to take out the lining.

Not surprisingly, my car couldn’t make it home after work.  I had to park down the street and walk home. Wearing just the outer layer, and a scarf, I made it home through the storm without even feeling a little bit cold.  I know that I naturally give off a lot of body heat, but I have never been this happy with a coat.  When I’m too warm, I can take a layer off, or on the odd chance that I’m too cold, I can add a layer.  And it’s waterproof, so I can wear it during the monsoons in the Spring.

I wish that I could wear this jacket forever.  If it ever wears out, you can count on it that I will be making the trip to Freeport, Maine – home of your flagship store, the most glorious store in all of Freeport (not least of all because it is open 24/7).

Sincerely,

Your Greatest Fan of All Time

So I knew today was going to suck.  I knew in advance that I probably wouldn’t be able to make it home.  I had to go to work at 3:00, and I probably wouldn’t be getting home until 7:00, and in between those times it was supposed to sleet, then snow, then sleet. Sweet.  When I got out of the rink at like 6:30 it looked like someone had poured three inches of sugar on top of the ice that was still around from our last storm/thaw.  I was stoked just to get out of the parking lot.

On the ride home I went the long way, and used my new skills at driving a standard in the snow. I drove in third gear almost the entire way, and was revving at like 1500.  And I was fine.  Until we got to within like a half-kilometer of our driveway.   And Georgia stalled on the way up the hill.  So Berman got out and pushed me for like 150 meters, until I basically skidded off the road and had to stop.  So we reversed down the road for what seemed like an eternity, planning on parking in the trailer park.  It seemed like the best idea. 

Until we found out we had to go up another hill to get to the parking lot.  And so Berman had to get out and push again.  And then one of the ladies that live in the trailer park – who also happens to work in the Cafe at my school – comes out and lends a hand to the effort, telling us we can park in her driveway.  But we couldn’t even get up that tiny, tiny hill.  So I ended up parking next to a snowbank, and calling it quits for the night.

After thanking Debbie a number of times, and wishing her luck in getting to work tomorrow morning at 5:30, Berman and I started jogging home.  Because neither of us had a flashlight, and both of us are afraid of the dark.  Until we got to just after the place that Georgia quit on me, because we were both feeling more than a little out of shape.  Or at least I was. Maybe Berman called a halt to our jogging because she could hear my laboured breathing. 

In any event, I just want to say: If I was in Toronto, I wouldn’t even have this problem.  I’m pretty sure that while my street may not have been ploughed already, all the major streets would have been ploughed at least once.  Because we’re not stupid, and we know that driving in conditions like this is dangerous, and waiting until it’s done precipitating isn’t always the best choice.  Cheap bastards!  I just hope they do something by the time I have to got to work tomorrow at 12:00.  Otherwise it’s going to be a long-ass walk.

Dear Owner of the Black and Tan Small Horse Masquerading as a Dog,

Today for the second time in a week your “dog” has chased me down and snarled at me while I was walking my dog on the PUBLIC street.  My dog and I did nothing to provoke either instance, and both times were not only accosted in the (still) PUBLIC street, but then followed by your menace almost back to our driveway.  Just because my dog is stupid enough to think that your dog, who was bearing it’s teeth at us with it’s hackles raised, wanted to be her friend does not mean that I thought the same. 

There is absolutely no reason why I should have to fear walking down the street, because it is PUBLIC.  I could understand if my dog and I were traipsing around on your private property, but we weren’t. We weren’t even on your side of the road.  And there is still the fact that even after we had retreated from your property (which, again, we were never actually on) your dog continued to follow us, snarling every time I turned around to check if it was still there.

If this happens one more time, I will have my brother send me a taser, which I will be more than happy to use on your dog.  And please do not for one minute think that I am kidding.  We grew up in a bad neighbourhood, my brother knows people.  I just hope,  for your dog’s sake, that it loses interest in me and my dog.

Sincerely,

The Angry Bitch Down the Street

Today I took Avi for a walk again.  I wanted it to be a short walk, so I tried to go up our street.  Except we ran into the enormous, angry dog again.  This time it got to within two feet of me, growling the entire time.  I tried to yell at it, and that worked for a little while.  Stupid Avi though, thought the dog wanted to play with us, and kept trying to break away from me and do the whole meet and greet thing.  Uselesss.  And all I could think about while it was happening was: If I was walking Lassie, at least if this dog attacked me, Lassie would run for help.  Avi would run until she got tired, and then go home for a nap.

 Dear Timberland Customer Service,

I just wanted to thank you for the superior craftsmanship that you put into your boots.  I purchased a pair of your classic Nubuck boots this winter.  I won’t lie, at first I bought them because the Timberland name carries some weight in my neighbourhood, and I’ve always wanted to say that I owned a pair of Tims.  Now, you can consider me a customer for life.

This winter I have fallen in love with my Tims. They’re waterproof, so I feel like I can walk anywhere in them and not worry.  They look good, so I can wear them when I want to add a touch of class to my jeans.  Even then they’re all scuffed, instead of looking beat-up and shoddy, they look rugged and well-used.   I have even used them in lieu of snowboarding boots. Granted it was on my front lawn, and I’m not good enough to really notice the difference, but the point is that when I need them, my Tims are there.

Please don’t ever stop making this amazing product!

Sincerely,

Your Number One Fan

This Fall Berman and I made a pact that we would learn how to snowboard this winter. The reason:  We want to look cool.  I have always wanted to learn an “x-sport,” because I think it gives a person a little something extra on the Cool-o-Meter.  And since we are both finished school, it stood to reason that now, while we can snowboard for free at Pat’s Peak, would be the opportune time to learn.  Snowboarding seemed like best option, since skateboarding has led to more broken bones and scars than I can count, and I’m not near the ocean, so surfing was an automatic out.

But, since we got hit with a foot of snow today and as everyone knows my car is not exactly what you would call a champion when it comes to navigating a snowy/icy driveway we didn’t want to attempt the drive to the Peak.  Also, there is the small matter that the only accessory I have for snowboarding is the pimp goggles that I got from my Nanny and Grandpa for Christmas.  As a side note: the company guarantees that some new technology they use will prevent the goggles from steaming up, but because I give off so much heat, I’ve managed to prove them wrong.  But I still look good, and as I said before, that’s all I really care about. See, shmee.  I digress.  So when Berman suggested that we try and hone our (non-existent) skills on the front lawn, I said “hells yeah.”

Berman stole her cousin’s snowboard and boots while she was home, so she was all set.  I decided to use Carboni’s old snowboard, and I was going to use her old boots too.  Except my McDonald’s-style arch prevented me from being able to cram my carny-sized foot into them.  So…Tims it was!  I figured that it wouldn’t matter that much, since I suck really hard either way.

Next stop: Our front lawn. There’s a fairly steep hill leading down to our driveway, and it seemed a perfect substitute for a bunny hill. Needless to say, hilarity ensued.  Most people would assume that since I grew up playing hockey and softball that I would be A) a lesbian and B) co-ordinated.  Both are untrue.  And so, when I try to learn a new skill, it takes me longer than the average person, and I usually need to be shown multiple times in slow motion. Today I settled for reckless abandoned, since I was surrounded by a pillow of fresh, fluffy snow.

While I managed to become far wetter than I imagined, since all my outerwear was waterproof, I also managed to escape without bodily harm, so I’d say it was a good day.