Adult in Training

So my boss is on vacation.  This means that the job I usually do at POE has changed.  I’ve been handed off to the regular overnight manager, to do with me as they please.  Which means that last night I spent pretty much the entire night moving Christmas candy around on a shelf.  I know what you are all thinking: How can you get a job as thrilling as mine?  Bribery usually works, as does nepotism.

So while I was taking a break, while waiting for my actually break, I decided to have a look at Cosmo.  This issue has their bedside astrologer little mini-pamphlet inside, and I wanted to know if I had a good year in store.  Imagine my surprise when I read that as a way to heat things up between my man and I, Cosmo suggests that that I take off my panties during dinner at a restaurant, and put them in his hands. 

Really?

I don’t know.  I’ve never really considered myself  “sexy”, so maybe this is a somewhat accepted practice, and maybe guys do like having underwear thrust upon them while they’re eating.  I mean, stranger things have turned out to be true.  But really?

First of all, how do you even take off your underwear in a discreet enough way that A) your boyfriend is surprised by your gift of used panties (which I assume is part of the point) and B) so that everyone sitting around you in the presumably crowded restaurant doesn’t turn to their dinner partners and say: “That girl must have read Cosmo, see, she’s taking off her panties.”?  Because in my head, I can’t really imagine it.  Assuming you can even get them past your ass, which would be a considerable feat, how do you then bend over and get them from around your ankles, like “Oh, hey, look what I found!”? 

I don’t know.  Do people actually take this advice?  Will restaurants soon be flooded with women trying to take off their underwear?  And how do you dress for that evening?  Would you do a dry-run, testing it out in your own kitchen first, to see which outfit makes it easier for you to skim your knickers off?  And then, assuming that you did all that, and managed to make taking your underwear off at the dinner table look sexy, after giving them to your man, what is he supposed to do with them?  “Oh, gee, thank you!  It’s just what I always wanted.”? Or put them in his pocket and keep them for later?  Would you immediately leave upon presenting your gift – frankly I would immediately melt into a puddle of shame, so I’m not sure this is even an option for me. Or would you stay for dessert, knowing there is a pair a knickers burning a hole in his pocket?  What if he gives them back?  “Keep these in your purse for me, would you?”

This is why my boss needs to come back from vacation.  Because without him ordering me around, my mind wanders to alarming places.