Anyone who has been keeping up with my – admittedly lame – shenanigans could probably guess that I haven’t had much to do lately. My boss sort of temporarily ran out of work for me (she calls it some time off, I call it slowly going insane). If I actually found my job taxing, I would probably welcome some spare time. Or even if I had something to fill the void that having no work to do has left. There are already plenty of people labouring under the impression that I sit around all day and do nothing, and it is becoming harder and harder for me to refute their claims.
And so, due to that – and also in part to my aunt Pauline’s insistence – I have spent some time thinking about what I am going to do when I leave New Hampshire in May. Other than insist that there be a Dairy Queen cake with the words “Welcome Back from the Dark Side” written on it in my immediate future. Something more along the lines of being employed. In a steady manner, so that I don’t invent an imaginary friend just to keep me company.
So let’s brainstorm people!
Here are some of my skills:
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I’m pretty good with words
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I work well as a member of a team
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I learn new skills pretty quickly
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I have lots of trivial information stored in my brain, should someone need some
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I have never shown up for a job intoxicated
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I don’t have any issues with physical exertion (in fact, I enjoy it)
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I don’t mind working odd hours
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I will have a BA in Communcations, with emphasis on print journalism
I’m sure there are others, but I was never very good at that whole “describe your talents” part of applications. Here are a list of things I refuse to do:
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work 9-5 in an office doing work that could easily be delegated to a trained monkey
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work with other people’s garbage
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tasks that require a ladder to complete properly
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change strange children’s diapers
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change strange octogenarian’s diapers
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do the exact same thing every single day without fail (except if that thing is watching ANTM, which I don’t think is a job)
Any suggestions? I am open to really any suggestions, as long as they fit the preceding parameters. If it’s an outside job, it’s a bonus. Also a bonus: if the job is seasonal. Unless it’s the same job but things change. For instance: last year I won Work Study Student of the Year. Because the athletic department at my school loves me. And because since I worked games management, my job changed every three months. I worked different games each new season. Except in the Spring when I worked no games, since it rained so much that the lacrosse teams couldn’t play. And I prefer to tan at softball games, so I don’t work them. And our baseball team sucks so badly that watching their games are more painful than anything else (plus, it’s baseball, and after being pressed into service for the Red Sox Nation I resent everything that has to do with baseball). But, I digress.
The point is this people: pool your collective brainpower and come up with a really good job for me. Because I have some time on my hands to work on my resume and fill out on-line applications. But only a lot.
Filed under: Wondering
Sometimes I wonder why I have any friends. Now, please don’t mistake this for self-pity, it is simply an observation. Sometimes I find myself doing things, and immediately afterwards I think: “God, why would anyone hang out with me?” Or sometimes: “If I weren’t me, I’m not sure I would be my friend.”
Because lets be realistic; I’m kind of a weirdo. Or, at the very least, a pretty big geek. But not in the cool, computer-hacking way. And currently I am also probably the most boring person on earth. Pretty much all I did today was walk Avi. On the way back, we saw two blue jays. I am not lying when I say that we stood in the middle of the road, looking up at them for like three minutes. Until I caught myself staring with my mouth open, at which point I quickly looked around to make sure that no one was covertly watching me.
Also, I tend to be the most uncoodrinated person I know. As a result, embarrassing things tend to happen to me. This could go either way. It provides fairly entertaining comedy sometimes – because who doesn’t like to point and laugh at unfortunate people? An example of this would be the time I fell off the top bleacher at one of Katie’s softball games last year. Because I thought I was going to get hit by the ball, and tried to shift out of the way. And so in an attempt to avoid injury, I caused myself more harm.
But, it could go the other way, where the embarrassment rubs off on those around me. Like when I say things without thinking (which is basically all the time). So sometimes words sneak out, before I realize that they are inappropriate. Like the time I called someone a douchebag in front of Meg’s dad – although he was really cool about it… and called me douchebag every time I came to visit after that. Or the time I called someone a twat in front of Katie’s parents.
Berman’s told me a couple of times that she doesn’t get embarrassed anymore, after being around me for five years. So maybe I have something to offer after all.
Filed under: Rambling
Have you ever had one of those days when you’re sitting around at the end of it, wondering just what you did to fill all the hours that passed? That’s the day I just had.
Avalanche woke me up at 7:45 today. She is getting worse every morning we have to spend together. Then we came downstairs, I fed her, and apparently passed out on the couch for a couple hours. How sad that I had to miss the bulk of “Underclassman” with Nick Cannon. He should have stopped after “Drumline,” which I actually love.
Then I had a shower. Which really only lasts about 10-15 minutes, but I like to sit around afterwards and dry off. So pretty much by the time I was ready to get dressed, I had time to eat a peanut butter and nutella hamburger bun (because I need to go grocery shopping) and peaced out. The upside is that I didn’t have to chase Avi around the yard, trying to get her to come inside so I could leave.
And then I went to rink, where I checked in with Renee, met the Middlebury team (the assistant coach told me I had a really nice name. Aww.) and read my book for a little while. And then I dropped off the game sheet, moved from Renee’s office to the mez, and then read some more. While I secretly used my eavesdropping skills -honed from four years of riding the TTC during high school – to listen to one of the “Friends of Hockey” and his wife prattle on innanely about the most ridculous things. Sometimes I wonder how these people have the brain power to keep breathing. Hmm… then what happened?
The game. The boys lost. I cheered. Renee told me that I wasn’t aloud to wish for a fan throw-down. And that if there was one, she would make me go and break it up. So, it was a learning experience. Stupid “Friends” took over the mez today, and I had to drop some ‘boes just to get to the photocopier. They are ridiculous! They have no consideration for anyone else. We are actually trying to do a job, run the game that you are so intent on watching (but not intent enough to watch from the stands like everyone else).
And then I came home. Where it struck me that while I was freezing – and therefore aching in my knees – I hadn’t really done much of anything all day. It was a day full of small spurts of activity, interspersed with longer periods of waiting to do something. Sort of like my life in general.
Filed under: Rambling
So I worked again today. It’s the boys’ alumni weekend (because they are important enough to have their own, separate from everyone else’s) and so in addition to the lacrosse boys that come to all the games and bang on pots and chant obscenities, there was also a ton of old hockey boys. Which is actually better than bunch of new hockey boys, because there once was a time when I didn’t find the majority of them annoying and gross.
I also was in charge of “training” a new girl. Her name is Lori Zaniboni and she plays field hockey for my school. And I would be lying if I said that I am basically scared of all field hockey players. Not because they are big and mean, but because to an outsider, they seem like a cult of Stepford Students. Usually once you can isolate one, they’re not too bad. But together they are a formidable fortress of perfection. But today wasn’t that bad, and Lori actually turned out to be sort of nice. Which is good, because I feel that as two of Renee’s three bitches, we may have to spend a lot of time together.
Want to know what else happened today? CJ told me I would make a good lesbian. Thank you? I felt like I was at home again, with my brother. Every time I go home, this is the conversation we have:
“You know you can tell me, right?”
“Tell you what?”
“That you’re a lesbian.”
“Okay, well, if I was, you’d be the first person I’d tell.”
“No, I mean it. It’s fine if you are. I’m just saying, I wish you would tell me.”
“Again, it’s really nice that you aren’t judging me, but I’m not a lesbian, so there’s not really anything to tell.”
“Okay. But you can tell me whenever you want to.”
“Okay, I’ll tell you as soon as I become a lesbian.”
And so it goes. And it’s really nice that he accepts me as a lesbian, but it would be nicer if he accepted me for who I am – a straight girl who’s been in a bit of a rut lately. But I guess it’s better than just being mercilessly teased about being a lesbian.
So I told CJ she could be secretary of the “I Think You’re A Lesbian Club.” My brother is the president and Carboni is the VP. My mom used to be in the club. In fact, here’s another interesting conversation.
“Mom, I have to tell you something.” And then I get really nervous and possibly start crying. In any event, it’s ugly.
“What?”
“I want to live with Aunt Pauline this summer.”
“Oh, oh my God. Okay. That’s fine.” And then we both cry and hug it out. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure Mom, what is it?”
“I thought you were going to tell me that you were dating Berman.”
“What?” I stop crying, because really nothing could be further from the truth, and I’m curious as to how she reached this conclusion.
“I thought you were going to tell me you were dating Berman. You just seemed so happy when she came to visit last summer. I don’t know…”
Nope, we were just friends. And continue to be just friends. Even though Katie thinks we have “a weird relationship.” Even though we don’t. We just have similar thought patterns, so even when one of us speaks gibberish, the other knows what she means. That’s not weird, that’s practice!
So all in all, a pretty good day today. I made a new friend, had a good game, found out that if I became a lesbian, I could probably score a lot of ladies. Does life get better than that?
Filed under: Rambling
So I had another relatively easy (read: boring) day today. Nothing too out of the ordinary happened. I woke up, did nothing for a little while. Then I decided that I would take Avi for a walk, because she had beans, and there was nothing on TV. And because I wanted the exercise.
It was a pretty lame walk. Ever since the two of us were attacked by the small horse, we can only go one way down the street, so we basically take the same walk every day. As a side note: Avalanche escaped the other day (because she knows magic, lucky bitch) and ran away. And usually she just hangs around and harasses the other dogs on our driveway, but since this was like 90th time she’s escaped off her leash, she decided to expand her horizons. Where else wold she go but to the scary house that has the small horse? Berman had to go get her at like 7:30 in the morning. The girl has balls, because there’s no way you could pay me enough money to go near that house, especially by myself, early in the morning. And also especially because, lets be honest, if you own a crazy-ass dog and live in a house that is 50% wrapped in industrial plastic, it’s likely that you own a shotgun.
Anyways, so Avi and I went for a walk. We were gone for about an hour, and the only other living thing we saw until we got back onto our driveway was a rebellious duck who refused to migrate south for the winter. Right after we saw the duck, I noticed that there was a squished mouse in the middle of the road. It had clearly been run over by a car, and I tried to attract Avi’s attention elsewhere. I failed. Before I had time to blink, she had it in her mouth! My dog was trying to eat the dead-mouse-pancake! Gross! And so obviously I tried to yell at her to drop it, and all she did was look at me with the mouse tail hanging out the side of her mouth! After I threw up in my mouth a little bit, I had to trap Avi in between my legs and then pry her mouth open and grab the mouse out of her mouth.
Once we got to our driveway, I saw The Nice Man’s neighbour (who we call The Large Man) walking his tiny, tiny dog. So of course Avi thinks that this dog wants to be her new best friend. And this dog thinks it can kick Avi’s ass. And so I very carefully let Avi get a little bit close to the Tiny Dog, who is freaking his shit. And The Large Man smiles, and is like “It’s always the small ones that want to fight.” Which is true, because my dog Eddie thinks the same thing, and is always trying to stir up shit with other dogs. Even though he doesn’t even reach my knees, and is also getting rather old. So what happens when Avi gets close to Tiny Dog? The dog jumps up and bites Avi in the neck! And what did I do? Laugh. I laughed, and then led a confused Avi back towards our house. Don’t worry, she forgot about the whole incident once we made it to Volvo Lady’s (not to be confused with the lady who drives the Volvo the the licence plate “val-vo”. How clever!) house and she saw their dog in the back yard.
And people think that I don’t do anything anymore!
The writers’ strike is really starting to piss me off! As a TV whore, I feel completely put out when I find myself without my shows for, like, two months now! Before, I used to have to worry whenever I went home, because I don’t get some of the good channels here. I alleviated that problem this year with the addition of a cable recording box (aka fake TiVo) so I knew all my shows would just be waiting for me when I got back to school. Except when I got back, all that was there were reruns of “One Tree Hill” – never too old for a teen drama – that come on SoapNet and a special episode of Man Vs. Wild that chronicled all the things Bear has eaten. He can eat all the bugs and snakes he wants, and drink all the pee and elephant-poo-water he can get his hands on, I don’t care, I still think he’s incredibly sexy. Any man that knows that much about survival can get me lost in the wilderness any day. But, I digress. My point is that I thought I hit a low spot in my programming while I was at home, and found myself watching “Crossing Jordan” and more shamefully “V.I.P” – Pam Anderson’s old show.
Luckily, there are some shows that don’t require writers. These shows are my saving grace right now. After just finishing my 50th hometown press release, the heavens opened up and angels started singing. Why, you may ask? Because it’s time for “American Idol”! Some of you may be shaking your heads, and frankly, I agree with you most days. But you are a liar if you say that you don’t enjoy watching all those people tank on national television. Or you are my mom, who is a freak. I don’t really care about the show once they’ve collected all the good people, its boring after that. But I will drop everything to watch these people suck out loud. As a side note: my aunt Pauline once told me that she would give me $500 to go on Canadian Idol and bomb. Which I totally would, because few people suck more than me at singing (and all of them can be seen on American Idol).
I didn’t think that my night could get any better. Frankly, my standards have slipped somewhat since the strike. But I was pleasantly surprised. Only in America would they come up with the show I just finished watching; “Moment of Truth”. For those of you that missed this gem, pay attention. They get people to take a lie detector test, and then they are asked the same questions on national television, while their friends and family are sitting in the studio audience. Enough said.
Is it wrong that I love shows like this? Is it wrong that I love watching people make fools of themselves? Does that make me a bad person? Perhaps more importantly, what does it say about today’s society that shows like Moment of Truth are being made?
Now that I have a real job, I thought that maybe I should start to be organized. My mom is in love with her Palm, and so I asked her today what she would recommend. I go to her with pretty much any question I have about technology because it’s her job to know these things. And, because technology deals a lot with numbers, I don’t understand it. She recommended that I wait, “because pretty soon they’re going to come out with a new one.” Really Mom? Are you sure, because last time I checked, I was still using my trusty Commodore 64. But, in her defence, she told me that Palm hasn’t come out with anything new in two years, so they’re probably cooking something. Well, okay, now I guess it sort of makes sense. Right again. Then, she cursed me with the following words: “You should check out the new iPod Touch. I think it can work like a Palm.” So I did.
And I spent over an hour oggling the iStore on apple.com. And now I am more broke than I have ever been, more in debt than I have ever been, and want more Apple products than ever before. Worst idea ever! Now I want the iPhone (even though I can’t really use it in Canada) or the iPod Touch (even though my iPod works perfectly well) the iMac (because my laptop runs fine, but it’s falling apart and I can’t imagine it will last much longer, and I refuse to buy a computer that runs Windows Vista) and who doesn’t think that the new MacBook Air is sexy? You’d have to be crazy if you didn’t. And I don’t know how exactly the Apple TV works, but it sounds pretty cool, and it seems to combine my two currently favourite things; TV and Apple products. And I also still want a Palm, because while all these products are sleek and sexy, none of them will fill my organizational void.
Also, I would like to go in a totally different direction for a second. I’m currently watching the news and the lead story is the fact that Tom Brady of the New England Patriots was seen wearing a walking cast. Are you serious!? Are you really telling me that nowhere in the entire world there is something a little more interesting or important going on? Really? The most important thing I need to know is the fact that Tom Brady has a mild ankle sprain? Oh good, I’m glad that the world is doing so well that the biggest thing I need to worry about is Tom Brady. I HATE FOOTBALL! And I hate that Americans are obsessed with football. And I hate that they don’t see that there is something seriously wrong with the fact that Tom Brady’s walking cast is the top story. Toronto loves the Leafs (even though they are sucking hard), but I guarantee you that unless one of the died, they would wait their turn for the Sports Reel like everyone else.
On a happier note, the American stock marketing is plummeting (though not enough to beat Tom Brady’s ankle in importance) because the economy is doing so badly. Maybe it’s the trillions (I don’t care how many times you say it, one trillion dollars will always sounds fake) of dollars of debt? I mean, I’m not an economist, but it makes sense to me. Why is this good news you may ask? Because half my student loans are in US dollars, and the more the greenback drops, the less money I’m going to have to pay back. America may hate George Bush – and so may my Grandma – but he’s doing wonders for me.
Filed under: Explaining
So I asked my boss for more work yesterday. Carboni came back yesterday and pointed out to me that I am spending an awful lot of time talking to either the TV or Avalanche. And while I don’t think that talking to your pets (or the TV for that matter) is necessarily wrong, I would be lying if I said that I woke up every day with too much to do. So I decided that maybe a little extra work would be just the thing I needed to help convince people that there wasn’t a need for medication in my future. My boss, Renee, is nothing if not awesome, and she had just the thing in mind for me.
Hometown Press Releases. Did you know that if you are a collegiate athlete, your school’s sports information department sends a press release to the local paper at both the middle of your sport’s season and again at the end, detailing all the things you did that season? Neither did I, until this year. But it’s true. Even if you’ve only played in one game, for like a minute and done virtually nothing to help your team. Do you know how hard it is to write a press release for someone like that? “So and So played in one game for her school this year. She has no statistics to speak of, and should go home and practice harder for next season.”
And that’s what I’m doing right now. Instead of talking to my dog and the TV, I will be doing a lot more sighing at my computer. And possibly some throwing my arms up in the air. And there will be plenty of eye-drops, since nothing dries my eyes out quite like staring at the computer for three hours at a time. The only thing that I really have to be excited about is the fact that our women’s basketball team is so ghetto this year that they only have ten players this year. That, and the fact that people won’t think that I’m crazy, so maybe it’s worth it.
Filed under: Rambling
So, since I work from home, and don’t do that much to begin with, I watch a lot of TV. I just wanted to get that out in the open. Because I do other things during the day too. Their just usually really boring things.
Like today, I was super productive. I:
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cleaned the washroom
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cleaned my room
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unpacked all my bags from when I first came back to school
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did most of my – five loads of – laundry
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made three game-day programs as part of my job
Super boring, right? Who wants to hear about that? Other than my roommates, who enjoy any news that I have tried to clean up the hurricane-like mess I leave in my wake. And I do try, pretty hard actually. It’s just that I have developed a super-high tolerance to mess – through years of practice – so I just don’t really notice until it looks like a bomb went off in my room. Or the washroom. Or the basement. Or the kitchen.
But today I also had a very profound thought. How do movie producers go from making one of the best movies of all time, “Bring It On” – and don’t lie girls, I know you watch this every time it comes of TV, and like it, and know all the good lines. Boys, you are allowed to roll your eyes – to making one of the worst movies of all time, “Bring It On: In It To Win It”? How can you have such a shaky building perched on such a strong foundation? It blows the mind.
The fourth installment of Bring It On series is very loosely based on “West Side Story.” I’ve only seen West Side Story once, because I typically don’t enjoy Romeo and Juliet-type movies. It’s the dying part that I take issue with; what’s so wrong with a happy ending? But I’m pretty sure that the rival gangs were named the Jets and the Sharks. Wouldn’t you know it, the rival cheer squads are the Jets and the Sharks. Weird, right? And two star-crossed teenage crushes find themselves on opposing squads. But the best part of all comes during the late night cheer-off, when the two squads take to the mean (fake) streets of an amusement park. Where there is a distinct musical theme featured, and choreographed moves that were in no way related to the actual cheering. Kind of like the fight scene at the beginning of West Side Story, only minus the knives.
How can you come so far from the days of: “This is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy.” to: ” I wanted to lick his abs!”? Where did the days go when I could look to Bring It On to provide me thoughtful insight and witty comebacks and a sense of what I was missing by becoming a more mainstream athlete? Now the only laughs I get from subsequent Bring It Ons come after I tell my roommates they should watch it because it’s worthwhile. And then, after we laugh, my heart cries a little for what the children of tomorrow are missing.
I may have mentioned before that I love America’s Next Top Model. I didn’t use to. I used to think that it was just a stupid show with a bunch of stupid, anorexic girls trying to be professional stupid, anorexic girls. But that was before I watched it.
It comes on MTV and VH1 here all the time. Amazing all-day marathons! I think it was last year that I was introduced to the glory that is ANTM, and now I know almost every season off by heart. I know what photo shoots are good, I know which ones are bad. I know who gets voted off when and who rocked what shoot. I know what challenges are funny and which ones are just stupid. In fact, ANTM is about the only thing that I can remember. I can remember almost every episode, but I can’t even remember my own cell phone number. It will always have a special place in my heart.
Today’s special was Season Four. In my opinion this is one of the best seasons. And I’ve seen a lot. Let me list the reasons:
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Rebecca faints in the judging room
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Iluvy takes “the worst photo in the history of Top Model”
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Michelle gets the flesh-eating disease
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Tyra freaks her shit on Tiffany – possibly the best episode ever!
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Janice surprises Tyra by making out with her during judging
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Brittnay crashes and burns during the “critique your competitor” judging
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Kahlen and Naima “stomp to the death” in the best runway ever – on water!
Other seasons have good things, I also love seasons six and seven. They have some cool shoots and some entertaining contestants. But I don’t think that there are so many large exciting things. Season six has Jade, who does a number of ridiculous things, but she never faints. And CariDee disses Nigel in cycle seven, and it has one of my favourite shoots – the carny one – but I think the reason that I would put season four over any other is the fact that Tyra loses her mind when she tells Tiffany that she has to go home.
Tyra is always the picture of professionalism. She’s a mentor to the girls, and you can tell that she really wants them to do well. Sometimes I feel like she wants to make the girls cry, in order to boost her ratings. But the bottom line is that she cares about the girls and only has their best interests at heart. Unlike Janice, who takes every opportunity to talk about herself and put the girls down. Because she was the World’s First Super Model. Congratulations Janice. But that is what makes the Tyra Meltdown so memorable. Because she’s usually so full of life, or if not perky, sad because she empathizes with the girls. But Tiffany took Tyra too far, disrespected Tyra one too many times, and she paid for it. I watch ANTM all day just to get to that episode.
The only other episode that can compare is in the second season. Shandi cheats on her boyfriend, and the episode after that calls her boyfriend to tell him about it. He takes it like a bitch, and it’s hilarious. I secretly think he’s gay. But there was so much crying and pleading and explaining. I don’t think you can get better reality television.
I have to concentrate now though, since my favourite episode is starting. Just because I know it off by heart doesn’t mean that it isn’t amazing every time.
